THE RIGHT OF REPLY

On the one hand, you have women trying to get what they need. They need a partner who will articulate their feelings, their hopes, fantasies and desires. Women want a partner who can articulate what is happening in their lives. But there is a huge fear that if the guy gets the ability to communicate – "What happens if he wants stuff that I don’t want? What if his needs are so different that we can’t make the relationship work?"
They need a balance between articulation and reassurance. They want, at the end of the day, to be told that everything will be all right. Not that the guy will make it all right, just that it will be all right. The guy on the other hand, has his own stuff to deliver. Our views, ideas and desires. It’s just that we have no way of delivering them.
We don’t have the skills to converse at an emotional level in a way that will get our point across. Our usual tools of anger, frustration, sarcasm and humour don’t work here. They are actually counter productive. This is amplified by the prevailing view that, when it comes to relationships and all things warm and fuzzy, we will be wrong. We have been subjected to the barrage of verbal ammunition long enough. For many of us, we are strangers, enemies, indifferent entities locked in a house – surrounded by a sea of shared possessions. We participate in the shared rituals of the modern relationship. In other words, we acquire, we shop, we cook, we do everything but engage.
This blog will not solve all of your relationship problems. It’s not a twelve step program to help you turn Mrs Cranky into a Stepford Wife. What it will do is show you that women don’t have an automatic ownership of the keys to the relationship. They will tell you that they do. Their friends will tell you that they do. But the simple fact is that we fail to remember that we are in a partnership between two adults.
Nearly every subject in the relationship arena has been appropriated – no hijacked – by the sisterhood. Subjects like commitment, parenting, the career/family dichotomy, health, sex, intimacy, respect, hormones, communication, the call of the wild, anthropology, housework. All these topics have been given the chick-lit once over. Men=bastards, women=angels – case closed. And if you dare to even question this, Sonny Jim, they will reign vengeance and furious anger upon you. But question it we will.
Let's take all those topics (well, at least the main ones) and flip the traditional views on their head. It’s time to drag ourselves out of the primordial slime, stand up and (don’t shout – she’ll just call you a brute) say calmly; "Sorry honey, but I disagree. The view from here is way different". No more trying to second-guess what she wants you to say. No more retreating into your shell because her voice sounds lie a four cylinder shitbox with a blown headgasket. It’s time to stand up and say; "I love you, but I feel that your views on that are completely ill-informed/misguided/unhealthy/negative/self-destructive to our relationship."
But, if you genuinely feel that you want to salvage what love you have left and rebuild this into a relationship that has real intimacy and tenderness, then this is the best place to start. It’s not me, it’s you…
As women's lives have changed, so have men's. The difference is that, relationship-wise, women are driving those changes. Meanwhile, we stand around grumbling, "What do I have to do to have a quiet life around here?" If we want to communicate effectively, we have to rise above the "get stuffed, I'm watching the news for Chrissake!"
Men are lousy at sitting down and thinking, "What do I really feel about that?" We are the great emotional procrastinators of this world. We will wait for – indeed even force – a crisis to occur before we even begin to formulate any sort of reaction or plan. It’s not our fault. We’re hardwired to avoid too much introspection. In the past if we had questioned ourselves too much, we would have never have fed and protected our families. The last thing he’s going to do is ask himself "how am I feeling?" because the answer would probably be, "I’m shit-scared and I don’t want to do this". We had to shut down all self doubt and self analysis so we could survive.
So when we’re asked to "share, open up, go deeper and tell me how you feel" we go blank. It goes against nature for us to do this. But we are trying… I want guys to tell me what they really feel about commitment, sex, intimacy, housework, etc. No need to try and work out what you think she wants you to say. No need to worry that you'll spend all night fighting or not get sex for a week...
Go on, do it!